Finding Love: From a Broken Heart

This post is part of the Finding Love series. Want to get caught up? Start here.

So this one time I wanted to have a baby.

And if by "one time" you mean that my earliest memories are of playing "mommy" to my dolls,

and that in high school I started thinking about jogging strollers,

and in college I worried about what I would do to love children even if I was never married,

and that I have never had a job or volunteer position that didn't have to do with kids...

then yes, this one time I wanted to have a baby. 

We had been {blissfully, thankfully} married for a few years when I began to feel le biological clock ticking. 

Friends, what I am going to tell you next is a bold confession of one of my darker moments.

A baby-shaped hole grew in my heart, and I started to fill it up with jealousy.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes about the human heart's ability to hold two different emotions at the same time.

Truly, I experienced that during this season. 

I was so happy for friends who were having babies.

And I was also crushed inside.

We certainly weren't trying to have a baby; I just knew that this wasn't yet our time.

But man did I want it. I don't know that I have ever wanted something so badly.

I obeyed the Lord's call, but not with a grateful heart. 

Having a baby or being pregnant was becoming an obsession.
I spent a lot of time online reading about babies and pregnancy and nurseries. 

I cried over Facebook.

I felt very, very dark and empty.
And alone.

During this time I found myself leading a Bible study at church, on discerning God's will.

{A resounding AMEN to a God who uses us even when we are completely unworthy}

I think the Lord really wanted me in this study, so He made me a leader, knowing that I must, finally, get His message through my head and heart.

One November weekend afternoon, I was working on the study, sitting in the sun.

I found myself confessing, out loud, just how awful my heart was feeling and would He pllllleeeeease just tell me that it was time to have a baby? Right?

Dear Daughter, I heard Him say.

The sun grew warmer on my back.

"Tell me," said His voice. "Does your desire for a baby produce the fruits of the Spirit in you?"

"No!" I was sobbing at this point. "I feel dark and horrible and empty. I am supposed to be happy about babies, and instead when someone tells me they're pregnant, I cry! This jealousy is eating me alive."

"Do not fear. Wait for Tovi will tell you. You'll know it's My will because the fruits of the Spirit will fill your heart."

{A resounding AMEN to the women at Bible Study: every single one of you was a lifeline to me during this time. Your support, love, prayers, hugs and wicked sense of humor propelled me through one of the toughest seasons of my life. I love crying and then laughing until I cry again. I esteem you highly.}

Flooded by grace, heart strengthened, eyes cleared, I was prepared to wait a lot longer for our baby.

One month later, Tovi (who did not know about my backyard conversation with God) took me out to dinner. 

We ate curry in a very cold Thai restaurant

and he said,

"I think we're ready to have a baby."

The last family picture before Cruz

Here we go...