May 18, 2011

Finding Love: From a Broken Heart

This post is part of the Finding Love series. Want to get caught up? Start here.

So this one time I wanted to have a baby.
And if by "one time" you mean that my earliest memories are of playing "mommy" to my dolls,
and that in high school I started thinking about jogging strollers,
and in college I worried about what I would do to love children even if I was never married,
and that I have never had a job or volunteer position that didn't have to do with kids...
then yes, this one time I wanted to have a baby. 

We had been {blissfully, thankfully} married for a few years when I began to feel le biological clock ticking. 
Friends, what I am going to tell you next is a bold confession of one of my darker moments.
A baby-shaped hole grew in my heart, and I started to fill it up with jealousy.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes about the human heart's ability to hold two different emotions at the same time.
Truly, I experienced that during this season. 
I was so happy for friends who were having babies.
And I was also crushed inside.
We certainly weren't trying to have a baby; I just knew that this wasn't yet our time.
But man did I want it. I don't know that I have ever wanted something so badly.

I obeyed the Lord's call, but not with a grateful heart. 

Having a baby or being pregnant was becoming an obsession.
I spent a lot of time online reading about babies and pregnancy and nurseries. 
I cried over Facebook.
I felt very, very dark and empty.
And alone.

During this time I found myself leading a Bible study at church, on discerning God's will.
{A resounding AMEN to a God who uses us even when we are completely unworthy}
I think the Lord really wanted me in this study, so He made me a leader, knowing that I must, finally, get His message through my head and heart.
One November weekend afternoon, I was working on the study, sitting in the sun.
I found myself confessing, out loud, just how awful my heart was feeling and would He pllllleeeeease just tell me that it was time to have a baby? Right?
Dear Daughter, I heard Him say.
The sun grew warmer on my back.
"Tell me," said His voice. "Does your desire for a baby produce the fruits of the Spirit in you?"
"No!" I was sobbing at this point. "I feel dark and horrible and empty. I am supposed to be happy about babies, and instead when someone tells me they're pregnant, I cry! This jealousy is eating me alive."
"Do not fear. Wait for Tovi will tell you. You'll know it's My will because the fruits of the Spirit will fill your heart."

{A resounding AMEN to the women at Bible Study: every single one of you was a lifeline to me during this time. Your support, love, prayers, hugs and wicked sense of humor propelled me through one of the toughest seasons of my life. I love crying and then laughing until I cry again. I esteem you highly.}

Flooded by grace, heart strengthened, eyes cleared, I was prepared to wait a lot longer for our baby.
One month later, Tovi (who did not know about my backyard conversation with God) took me out to dinner. 
We ate curry in a very cold Thai restaurant
and he said,
"I think we're ready to have a baby."
The last family picture before Cruz

Here we go...


  1. oh Becca!! tears welling up. this is your most beautiful post yet. Thank you so much for sharing this story!!!

  2. well, hold on to your hanky, zoe... this is just the first step in the story. thank you for reading!!

  3. Becca,

    Thank you for this! Seriously needed to be reminded of God's will and my husband's wisdom. Hope you and your family are doing well!


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