just tired: one sunday

tovi spent the day with one of his best friend's down near LA

i could have gone, of course, but it just seemed like so much work

so cruz and i stayed home and i told myself that we would have a really fun 

mother-son day

but i just couldn't do it

after church, cruz took a three-hour nap

i wrote

watched the project runway finale

ate a cupcake

swept the floor for the bajillionth time this week

i laid down for a nap

which is right when he woke up of course

i tried to rally myself

mother-son time! i thought

just couldn't do it

i felt tired and lonely and worn out and for the love if another cheerio gets ground into my floor!

we'll walk to the farmer's market i told myself

we'll nosh on the samples and i'll buy one cool thing for dinner

but first, it was time to eat a snack outside

because seriously, if i have to sweep one more time today

...

(new rule: we're only eating outside from now on)

guess what?

there's was no farmer's market today.

we walked to the park and i let cruz get dirtier than he's ever been. 

i felt so down and unworthy

i want every moment of his life to be perfect

and full of love

and laughter

and beautiful moments

but some days i'm just tired

i watched cruz watching the airplanes fly overhead

"lord" i prayed

"today i feel empty and alone.

even with cruz next to me.

even when i know you are beside me.

wash over me.

consume me.

let me not get caught up in my own self, looking inwards

instead of up to you.

you know what i need.

and i am not alone."

and lord, you overwhelmed my life

and picked me up when i was tired

and reminded me that my strength does not come 

from me but you

that not every moment will be perfect

not every day filled with laughter

but they'll be filled with love

thank you for not expecting perfection 

or great photography skills

or a clean house

and i'm not alone

althougth

i am still tired