October 30, 2011

just tired: one sunday

tovi spent the day with one of his best friend's down near LA
i could have gone, of course, but it just seemed like so much work

so cruz and i stayed home and i told myself that we would have a really fun 
mother-son day

but i just couldn't do it

after church, cruz took a three-hour nap
i wrote
watched the project runway finale
ate a cupcake
swept the floor for the bajillionth time this week

i laid down for a nap
which is right when he woke up of course

i tried to rally myself
mother-son time! i thought

just couldn't do it

i felt tired and lonely and worn out and for the love if another cheerio gets ground into my floor!

we'll walk to the farmer's market i told myself
we'll nosh on the samples and i'll buy one cool thing for dinner

but first, it was time to eat a snack outside
because seriously, if i have to sweep one more time today

(new rule: we're only eating outside from now on)

guess what?
there's was no farmer's market today.

we walked to the park and i let cruz get dirtier than he's ever been. 

i felt so down and unworthy
i want every moment of his life to be perfect
and full of love
and laughter
and beautiful moments

but some days i'm just tired

i watched cruz watching the airplanes fly overhead

"lord" i prayed
"today i feel empty and alone.
even with cruz next to me.
even when i know you are beside me.
wash over me.
consume me.
let me not get caught up in my own self, looking inwards
instead of up to you.
you know what i need.
and i am not alone."

and lord, you overwhelmed my life
and picked me up when i was tired
and reminded me that my strength does not come 
from me but you

that not every moment will be perfect
not every day filled with laughter
but they'll be filled with love

thank you for not expecting perfection 
or great photography skills
or a clean house

and i'm not alone
i am still tired


  1. Great post Becca. I've definitely been there many times before. There are some days my floor looks passable but that is not the norm. The norm is that I am constantly smooshing Cheerios into the carpet. On my most typical days I'm consumed by laundry and deadlines, instead of Jesus. On these typical days, I lean into Mother Teresa's words: "God hasn't called me to be successful. He's called me to be faithful." Seems like you did a great job today of being faithful in spite of your exhaustion...and that has all God has asked you to do. Well done, good and faithful servant!

  2. God ALWAYS gives us more grace than we give ourselves. And if Cruz got dirtier than ever before in his life...then that was one little guy who had a great day.

    On your worst day, you are still a spectacularly great parent and thankfully there is a heavenly parent to do even better.


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