I am shooting myself in the foot by writing this post.
As I was saying, his cries are really adorable. He turns bright red, he looks like an old man, and boy does he have some lungs! But my favorite cry of all is what I call his "Mama, Help Me Go to Sleep!" cry. It is the most pathetic wail you've ever heard. He scrunches his eyes up so tight and lets out two whines. So basic: I need help. Cruz knows that he's supposed to be sleeping; it's what he wants, he just can't figure out how to get there. And of course, I am always happy to help Cruz fall asleep.
It has made me think a lot about my prayer life. Everything about mamahood so far has been drenched in prayer. From the mundane ("Lord, please help him sleep until 7am") to the future ("Lord, bless the Mamas that are raising his future friends, his future wife...") to the cry of my heart ("Lord, let him love You and love Your people"). Truly, I never knew what it meant to pray without ceasing before Cruz was born. At the same time, I know that I am still trying to do too much on my own. I want to look like I have this mamahood thing down. I want to look like I have everything in my life down! Career, marriage, knowing God's will for my life. There are lessons He has set before me in my life, and I still try to learn them on my own. I want to have the answers, to be in control. But there is a part of my heart that just longs to screw up my eyes and wail, "I just need your help! I know what I'm supposed to do, but I can't figure out how to do it on my own!" I want this because Cruz has shown me what happens when we give up our control: utter peace.
Wonderful post, Rebecca! "Pray without ceasing." is also a chapter in a Wendell Berry book about a mothers prayer. We might as well give up control, we don't have it anyway! Good reminder.
ReplyDeleteThe tradeoff is utter peace, and we still struggle. Love, Auntie Beth
I'd love to read that book! He has a wonderful way with words. xoxo
ReplyDeleteOn Sunday we had a really good discussion on prayer in Adult Study on Romans 8:26-28.
ReplyDeleteIts reassuring to know we really don't know how to pray (its not just me!). And even when the Holy Spirit steps in to help, the Spirit is reduced to "groans that cannot be uttered." But somehow God gets the message and knows what's best, even (especially) when we have no clue and may even be praying for the exact wrong things...
In the novel "Jayber Crow" by Wendell Berry, the main character says that prayer for him is being reduced to "they will be done" because what else should we want, but it requires courage to pray this (giving up control of what we want) because it was the prayer that got Jesus to the cross. I think, though, that if we can truly grasp that GOD IS LOVE, then what he wants for Cruz, and what he will do for Cruz, is far, far better than what we can ever imagine.