Performance Review

When I decided to start a blog, it was really important to me to keep it authentic. This is not a blog about how cute my baby is (although I'm sure his grandmothers wouldn't mind), or what wonderful things we do together all day (you read the poop post, right?); this is our real life together.

So here's my first confession to you: I secretly identify with Angela from The Office. I love her cardigan collection. Her sleeping cardigan collection. And like her, I love job reviews. "I actually look forward to performance reviews," she smuggly tells the camera. "I did the youth beauty pageant circuit, and I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up to even severe scrutiny."

But motherhood takes it all to the next level. Now, every conversation becomes a performance review. A chance for strangers to grade my foray into Mamahood. No wonder parents are neurotic! During his first few weeks of life, Cruz was having a difficult time gaining weight. He wanted to sit around and let the food come to him. Womblike. Or like an IV. Sorry, bud, the real world makes you work, even from a young age. Regardless, I felt very sensitive about his weight issues, and every "Oh, he's so little!" coo became an opportunity for me to irrationally defend myself. Yes! He's having some trouble gaining weight! He's only a couple of ounces behind! We were all very sick when he was two weeks old! We're getting there!

My chunky monkey

But that's crazy! No one is judging me except me. And even if they are-- who cares?? I'm telling myself to take a step back. I know that I am good at extending grace to others; now is a season for me to learn how to extend grace to myself. A girlfriend of mine recently reminded me that becoming a Mama is the same as starting a new job (with terrible hours and a owner that doesn't always communicate well with the CEO). I want so badly to "hold up under even severe scrutiny," to be such a fab Mama that I haven't extended grace to myself to make mistakes. And sweet Cruz can't have a Mama like that! In no way do I want him to carry the burden of being my reflection.

So here's to sweet moments of grace. To letting him sleep just a little bit longer. To secretly enjoying the fact that my strict diet (no wheat/dairy/soy/shellfish/pork/taste) is helping me drop the baby weight like you wouldn't believe. To allowing myself the time to straighten my hair and put on mascara. To not always having the answer. To asking for help. For meals. To crying when I'm frustrated. To knowing beyond an ounce of doubt that the Lord hears my prayers and answers with more grace than I have ever deserved.

And as for my latest performance review? Cruz and I went to the doctor today. She wanted to see him after two weeks to monitor his weight gain (grace! grace! It's ok!). I was so nervous putting him on the scale this morning. Well, my little gordito burrito gained two pounds! Two pounds in two weeks! Turns out, Cruz is doing awesome work at his job.