August 8, 2011

finding love: welcome, baby

this is part five in Finding Love. need to get caught up? 
finding love
from a broken heart
jury duty and domino's pizza
i will never feel fully comfortable in anthropologie ever again

it is 9pm and i am wheeled into the labor and delivery exam room.
with her calm, cheerful manner, nurse nicole becomes my new best friend.
however, even after eight hours of steady contractions, i am pronounced to be not really in labor.
we walk up and down the quiet halls of the hospital
we joke about baby names
and jersey shore in between contractions.
i lean on the wall, my back gets rubbed.

it is 10pm, and i am still not really in labor. 
so they say.
crestfallen and in pain, we begin to pack up my things to head home.
the nurses monitor my baby's heart rate and it echos around the room.
strong, full of life, coursing his way into the world.

it is 10:45pm and nicole will be back in two minutes with our discharge paperwork.
she apologizes that we aren't having the baby tonight.
i ask tovi if he thinks i should miss work the next day.

it is 10:47pm and the moment nicole leaves our room, i feel the powerful release of my water breaking.
the nurses cheer and get our delivery room ready.

it is 11:30pm and someone better bring me a snack and an epidural.
my contractions pile up one on top of the other until i can't think.
there is no relief, no pause
i remind myself that this cannot kill me.
i imagine that i am running, that your hand is stretched out and i push to reach it.
even now, during his last few hours in my belly, the baby makes me throw up.

it is 4am and i have just woken up from a nap.
tovi is stretched out getting his last rest before our baby comes.
i sit in the dim light of the monitors and watch my contractions on the screen.
i am giddy
i am nervous
i am unbelievably hungry

it is 5am and nicole tells me that i can push whenever i feel like it.
now, i tell her. it's time now.
i think about the baby, but i also think about the large breakfast i'll earn at the end of this.
they tell me three pushes, i give them four.
i want to do a really good job.
baby, it's been a long nine months, but i finished strong for you.

it is 6am and he'll be here in one more push, says the doctor.
i focus so hard and give it everything i have.
she holds him up
he raises one eyebrow at me and talks up a storm
not crying, already babbling.

early morning light streams in through the windows
the world goes still and blurry around me
we say his name for the first time
"cruz justin. this is cruz justin."
i hold him to my chest.
so small, so perfect
calm and knowing

welcome, baby


  1. It feels like just yesterday cruz was such a teeny tiny little bug! This year has gone by so fast, but it has been amazing to watch him grow up on your blog!

  2. He's ten months old today... it's just impossible, right? He's soooo fun right now, but what I would give to snuggle a little swaddled baby!


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