August 26, 2011

Finding Love: Afterwards

and here's what happened next

this is how the story ends, but it's not how it began:
one mama, one baby boy
who just can't get enough of each other

after thirty-eight weeks of dreaming, wishing, hoping, blessing, sacrificing and
seven hours of labor
he was laid in her arms.
she waited for the rush of love and the bursting open of her heart that had been promised
and she waited and she waited

he was small, swaddled, a stranger

she felt nothing and she knew something must be wrong with her
she smiled and chatted and felt empty inside

going through the motions, trusting that love would come 
everyone else wanted to hold, to snuggle, exclaim
she just wanted a nap and a snack

how could she carry this baby for nine months and not know him?

she wanted to cry when he cried
but in secret
on the outside she wanted to hold it together 
so that the people around her would think she was a good mom
that she wasn't overwhelmed
or tired
or lonely without a baby in her belly
but she was

then after days and weeks of going through the motions
of holding it together
of practicing love when she didn't feel it

he found her eyes in the mirror and locked his gaze
he settled sweetly into her arms
he slept through the night
he smiled when he was fed
and loved going shopping

she suddenly realized who he was:

her heart began to grow
sizes in single moments

the shame she felt was replaced by grace
and by love
oh! by love


  1. no reason to feel nervous to publish, ALL women feel this way! I was just talking to my Mom, who admitted when she heard the Dr at our ultrasound say "it's a boy" she held back tears, she wanted a granddaughter with pink dresses and bows. Now, she cannot imagine life without her precious boy Ziah. Love happens over time, whether it's a stranger off the street, or a baby from your belly <3<3

  2. Becca, thank you for sharing straight from your heart. I am moved to know your story, awed by your "acting" out love and moved by your discovery of finding love . . . and knowing.

  3. thank you all for your sweet comments! i feel like i learn more and more that being a mama is such a personal journey. no book, movie, cultural expectation, etc can define what that is for each woman. thank you for walking alongside of my journey!

  4. I am so glad you posted such personal thoughts. I am an adoptive mom to an older child and had to learn to love a child who is now my own. Amazing how similar our feelings are with such different paths to motherhood. Blessings!

  5. ImmediateMom, thank you so much for sharing and commenting.


comments make my day. xo.

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