life and Life.

Tovi, Cruz, and I just returned from a weekend in Monterey celebrating our

birthday (his)

anniversary (ours)

birthday (mine).

Totally fun. 

It was a weekend that was full of joy and happy accidents, but absolutely tinged with grief.

We found out that a friend and former roomie of mine passed away after a long struggle with pulmonary hypertension.

Katie, there is no one I know that lived with such a zest for life. 

Your exuberance was matched only by your desire to be with Jesus.

From the amount of times I walked into our room to hear,

"Darling! Don't worry; I'm just studying naked in my bed!"

I know you're pretty stoked to be living in the Garden right now. 

You absolutely taught me to live everyday with celebration and reckless joy. 

Thank you.

And while I spent a lot of the weekend with tears in my eyes, here is some of our joy.

At our anniversary dinner! Five years of marriage!

Cruz was excited too.

Of course I found the most nautical spot in the playground.

Family picture. 

My favorite part of the picture is the foot descending down the ladder.

That kid was not going to wait for us.

We drove 17 Mile Drive to try and get Cruz to nap.

The drive was amazing and clearly he is awake.

We went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium and I totally nerded out over the jellies and sunfish.

Should've brought along my marine science species cards (which I still have, y'all).

We took this picture to show how tall Cruz is.

But really it just shows how short I am. 

I hope that whatever you are doing today is full of joy and celebrates the small everyday moments of life. 

it's five a.m.

it is very still in our house

the clock says five

the baby sleeps on my right, my husband on my left

they sleep with the same expression

and i could look at them forever

i tiptoe downstairs 

slowly

i leave the lights off, prolonging the moment

before babies need food

need changing

before there is email to be answered

dishes to wash

appointments, cares, laughter

when i am still, quiet and sure

my Bible is open

"but from everlasting to everlasting, the Lord's love is with those who fear Him"

we have been given a singularly perfect gift 

who could measure His love for us?

On Love

There are moments in this life when my soul wants to burst with love. 

I sit here thinking of you, of what you mean to my heart and I can barely get the words out. 

Utterly overwhelmed by blessing and goodness and kindness. 

This little chunk is teaching me so much about love, but so many of those lessons are echos of what the people in my life have shown me over the years.

My dad... who lives 1 Corinthians 13. Who prays to truly love those he disagrees with. 

My mamae... the greatest cheerleader a gal could ever have. She makes me feel like I can conquer the world! As I learn to love my son, I am learning just how much you love me, and it is dizzying. 

Cruz's aunties... you know who you are. Your daily doses of honesty and affirmation keep me grounded and challenged. I am seriously blessed by your friendships. 

Tovi, Tovi. We have been together for almost eight years. You are my rock, my strength. You dream big for me. I could not ask for a better husband, best friend, partner and father for our baby. You love me with patience, hope, humor, forgiveness and grace. I love spending forever with you. 

CruzKid, you were born into family with flaws and quirks. But man oh man will we love you all the days of your life. 

All You Need Is Love

I have been planning to do a cute blog post on all my can't-live-without baby gear. You know, like the Boppy, the activity mat, and a fat stack of Gerber organic cloth diapers. But then something happened to change all of that.

I used to be a mentor for a sweet, but pretty troubled, girl here in Santa Barbara. We were very close, but then as her life got back on track, we stopped seeing each other as much, and eventually she changed her phone number, and I had no way of getting back in contact with her. I missed our relationship a lot, thought about her constantly. I felt so sad that she didn't know Cruz and hadn't gone through that journey with me. 

As it turns out, she had.

Yesterday we got back in touch. She gave birth to a baby girl ten days ago.

Lord, when I asked for more friends with babies, this wasn't what I had in mind.

I am thrilled that we are back in touch, and looking forward to seeing her this coming weekend. But I am also grieving for her, for her little girl, and the dreams I've dreamt for her. 

When Cruz was born, my cousin told me, "You're going to be great at this because it's all about love." I have treasured those words in my heart. In my mind, I can also hear my Grandpa say, "All you need is love. But some brains wouldn't hurt either." 

So future mamas, mamas-in-training, and veteran mamas... I need your advice. How should I love her? What are the can't-live-without pieces of advice you have (for me and for her)? How can I balance the love with the brains? What would you do in my situation or hers? I truly believe that God brought us back together for a time such as this, and I want to be there for her in a brand new way.

And maybe I'll bring her a stack of Gerber diapers. 

A Friday Afternoon

Cruz and I went to visit Carrie at Westmont College last Friday after work. The Mont is one of my most favorite places in the world. My four years there were some of my most formative and joyful. I take every chance I can get to go back up to campus. Unbelievably, our five-year reunion was last October, just one week before Cruz was born. 

{Apparently, I had passed the "looking cute while pregnant stage" sometime  during Homecoming.} So it was with great anticipation that I brought Cruz to his first campus visit.

It was a gorgeous day; something stolen from summer. Reliving our student days, Carrie and I spread a blanket out on the lawn and ate cupcakes. Back when we were students, we would have taken a nap in the sun, waking up only when it became dark and dewy and it was time for dinner.

We all have our hopes and dreams for Cruz. Cruz owns more soccer jerseys than is imaginable {we all want him to be a soccer player like daddy}. Cruz owns shelves and shelves of books {we all want him to be a voracious reader like mama}. Forget about trying to see who he looks like, we're always trying to figure out his personality and future based on Tovi and I. 

Cruz seems to like animals. They really capture his attention. He also likes looking in the mirror. And doesn't like smiling for pictures. 

Do I have a vain yet morose zoologist on my hands?

The truth is that I don't care. Cruz, your whole life we will say things like, "You're a soccer player, just like Daddy." "When you go to Westmont, you'll want to live in Armington, right? And be an RA just like Mama?" But don't listen to us.

You know my prayer for you-- That you will be healthy, happy, and strong in the Lord. That you will love God and love people.

Everything else is just cake.

But if you chose to eat that cake out on the Westmont lawn before taking a nap in the sun with your best friends, well, that's just fine with me.