April 12, 2012

the in between

maundy thursday, good friday, easter sunday. we're stuck on saturday, this in between place despair and hope. does this lonely saturday even have a name?

we are walking into trader joe's and there's a man sitting on the sidewalk with a sign asking for help, his free hand scratching the sweet scruffy dog beside him. cruz strains toward them, leaning out of his stroller. "puppy! puppy!" he calls out. "hat!" the man wears a hat and gives us a half-smile.

i half-smile back, filled with shame because cruz sees a friend where i see someone to avoid. 

we go into the store, we shop and i can't get the man and his dog out of my mind. 
among our easter treats, we pick up puppy snacks and a gift card. 
we chat with the man afterwards, gave him our small gift, pet the dog, and cruz was overjoyed. 

and i get it. 
i know that this does nothing, really, in the long run. 
i know that one gift card does not change a life.
it is such a small gesture and the world is so big.
i realize that there are a hundred what ifs.
what if he isn't really poor.
what if he uses the money unwisely.
what if he's dangerous.

and yet i started crying as we walked away.

if there is ever a time when cruz feels unsure enough of our love that he doesn't come home, if there is ever a time that he doubts us and does not run to us for help, Lord, let there be someone out there who sees him as a Your child. let there be a stand-in mom. flood his life with overemotional mothers who just can't walk by somone else's son without giving him some extra love. if there is ever a time when life has seemed to pass him by, Lord, please please chase him down and remind him that Life is from You. 

is this how You felt on that first lonely Saturday, that day between despair and hope? did you feel that Your People were so unsure of Your Love that they ran from You in their shame? did You know that we needed a stand-in? thank You for chasing us down. 


  1. Church hasn't made much sense to me lately, but this does. Thanks spoomie. Lots of love.

    1. Back at ya. Church rarely makes sense, even in the best of times. Just picture God sprinting down the road to find you-- that's sometimes the only thing that really matters.

  2. Amen. And way to go... seriously - just the outlook and heart that the Lord wants us to have. Unfortunately, life and fear get in the way sometimes and allow us to choose to only half smile at strangers in need of some form of help. I totally get it and can so relate on many occasions.

    Very well put! Thanks for sharing!

  3. I love being able to say I'm your father! Nothing else matters but knowing God's love and sharing God's love. However we can with whoever we can. Cruz is lucky to have you for his mom!

  4. Becca, your words are raw and truthful and so inspiring! It is in those moments of doubt and half-smiling, when we feel stirred by the Holy Spirit, that we need to allow God to use us as His instruments of love and kindness. One never knows how just one moment can change a person's life. I pray that God continues to stir within you and use you, as well as Cruz!

    I always enjoy reading your blog ever since Thais introduced me to it. I pray all is going well with you and the Lord is blessing you guys immensely. Be blessed!

    With love from the SFOT,

    Leilani ;)


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