so what do you do with a two year old?

my friend annemarie and i were at the park one day chatting about what to do with one-to-two year olds. our boys were at a stage where they needed help on the playground, they weren't getting a ton out of going to the zoo, didn't understand playdough... then on twitter the other day, my friend anna said, "I would like to meet the toddlers who can be "entertained for hours" by pinterest activities. At this point I think they're fake." Right?? This age between baby and preschooler can be kind of awkward. here's what we're up to (beyond the usual toys, books, and balls), at least before i say, "fine, go ahead and play cars for three straight hours."

1. stamping. when i tell cruz that it's time for stamping, he gets a crazy look in his eyes and says, "stamping! stamping! staaaaamping!!" stamp with whatever you have! we stamp with peppers, potatoes, apples, and our melissa & doug animal stamps. 

2. visit the free zoo! our local pet shop is next door to trader joes and is one of our favorite places to visit. cruz runs right to the back and then announces to everyone we see, "hamsters drinking water!" it never gets old, i guess.

3. water and paint brushes. we could do this alllll day. we draw shapes, letters, our names. we fling the water from the brushes to make splatters. easiest activity ever.

4. painters tape road.

5. play in boxes of all kinds. i think the boxes were cruz's favorite parts of christmas. i don't decorate the box beforehand to look like an animal or a car. sometimes cruz will put stickers on a box, but this is pinterest-free, folks! no pre-planning needed.

6. we take art prrrettyyyy seriously around here. i mean... look at that concentration! art supplies are the kind of toy that are "always available" to play with at home. cruz draws in a bound sketch book, which keeps all of the paper together. then i label it with the months he used it, and we have a nice keepsake!

7. i've told you this before, and i'll tell you this again: all my best parenting ideas come from my friend ashley. this bulldozing station is no exception. hours, my friends. HOURS of fun spent here. and then hours of sweeping up all the macaronis before we mercilessly crush them with our feet. cruz calls this "pasta pan." 

the big loss of something small

i wasn't sure that i would ever write or publish this post, but to tell the story of our pregnancy and our baby and of God moving in our family's life, i also need to tell the story of the pregnancy that came before this one. 

i hope it will be good news to you.

+ + +

it was our first day of mops and my first day as the coordinator for our mops group. tovi and i had landed from london about 12 hours before our meeting and i was buzzing with jet lag and excitement and the secret knowledge that someone was starting to grow in my tummy. 

i stood in front of seventy precious women, took a deep breath, and started to introduce myself. 

on that first morning i wanted to talk about the things we carry with us. i pulled up my diaper bag, emptied out it out, talking about all the things we have to carry with us as moms. 

crushers, sippies, diapers, balls, books, change of pants, trucks...

it gets heavy!

what's heavier still, of course, are those things we carry that no one can see. 

i talked about the times in the last year when i had needed friends and family to help me carry the load.

inviting other people into my pain or stress meant letting go of my pride, of my desire to appear as though i have it all together. it's certainly not my natural inclination, but every time i ask for help, i am doubly blessed. 

i talked about the time my niece came to visit for the week and my friends rallied around us with playdates, encouragement, and bottles of wine as i managed two toddlers with two fevers. as hard as it was to swallow my pride and admit that i needed help, i made incredible memories with friends that week and am so glad i enlisted them. 

in my notes, i was planning to stop there, but i could feel God pushing me forward, prompting me to share that which was still raw and healing in my heart.

i took that deep breath, blinked back tears, and tried to still the tremble in my voice.

"it was those same friends," i said, "that came around us when we had a miscarriage a few weeks ago."

 + + +

miscarriages happen to one pregnancy in four, or so they will tell you. and when it happens to you, it will be incredibly lonely, even in the midst of such a large sisterhood. 

my memories from those first few days are just isolated images.

tovi rubbing my back while i cried into our pillows.

taking pregnancy test after test, willing each one to turn positive again. 

remembering my mom's advice during hard times to grieve it all out. and then sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing until i couldn't cry any longer.

pushing my chair back from breakfast and telling tovi that i couldn't be up any more and that i was going back to bed for the rest of the day. 

shoving the big brother shirt we had bought for cruz into the back of his drawers. 

imagining over and over that i had let a bright pearl slip silently through my fingers and i would never find it again. 

+ + +

a few days passed and it was sunday and i needed to go to church. i was alone and i loved sitting in the dark, taking strength from the congregation around me. 

i stood in the communion line, took the bread and wine, His body broken for mine, walked back to my seat, and wrapped my arms around my empty belly. i felt damaged, broken. i felt robbed. bitter, i felt like the pregnancy had been a waste of time. 

the music swelled and the congregation sang:

hallelujah. all i have is Christ.

hallelujah. Jesus is my life.

the tears started flowing hot and fast. my shoulders shook with sobs.

is this true for me? here in this moment, when my body hurts, and i am bleeding and mourning the loss of something so hoped for, can i say that all i have is Christ? can i say hallelujah to that? am i brave enough to ask that God make this true in my life? can there be beauty from the ashes of this moment?

+ + +

it is amazing to sit here, feeling the small kicks of this babe in my belly as i type. this baby is a barely-dared-for balm for our souls. it is the reminder that i am not foolish or damaged; that God is writing my story and His plans and timing are perfect. He has pulled me so close during these months, and i have felt His Spirit powerfully next to me. the miscarriage was hard and painful, but it's another chapter in my story, and one that i trust God will use. i am so grateful for those days and weeks of pregnancy with that child, and am thankful for this new sweet life growing inside of me.
 hallelujah! all i have is Christ!

what {we} wore on wednesday

good morning, wednesday, friendsday!
here's my cruz, up from a snooze.
(can you deduce that we've been reading a lot of dr. seuss?)
actually, cruz is perusing his new book "goodnight, goodnight, construction site." it's adorable. get it for the construction lover in your life.

and i think you'll start sensing a theme for our lives...

trucks! tools! sports! boy things!

it was my plan to have some jammie pictures for ya, but pregnancy is unpredictable and i spent the evening in bed, blah blah, etc.

what he wore on thursday morning!

goodness gracious, i love a kid in jammies.

+++
and of course i need to keep myself a little bit accountable for the not-wearing-of-yoga-pants-so-often. here's what i've been wearing over the last week or so. i'm starting to wear some maternity clothes, but most of my outfits are pulled from items i already owned. i know some women that are anti-anti-anti maternity clothes, but i say embrace it! after all, what's the worst part about wearing jeans? the buttons and zippers of course! maternity pants take that totally out of the equation. winner.

apparently the key to my maternity style is wearing the same white t-shirt over and over again (thank you, gap!).

mmm. so many awkward smiles. 

So...hypnobirthing... ?

this was my third christmas as a mom, and each of those three years i find myself reflecting more and more on mary's part of the story. there are ways that i identify with her, ways that i hope to identify with her someday, and even ways that i hope not to-- giving birth in a barn being one of the main ways.

first off, girlfriend is nine months pregnant and forced to travel about eighty miles on the back of the donkey. {ladies, let's all remember this is as great way to induce labor, should the situation arise.} in all of the storybook pictures, she's so unbelievably calm. i mean, i get that these are mainly children's storybooks, but still. tons of cows and rams leaning down to check out the baby? no big deal. oh, smelly, strange shepherds want to visit? come right on in. mary, i sure hope it was like that for you. that you felt peace and serenity, and the Jesus got a good latch right away.

however, that is not how i remember giving birth.

when i think back over cruz's labor and delivery, i remember two distinct emotions: the first was the desire to appear completely in control and relaxed. as if the nurses would chat about me back at their station. "did you see the woman in room 504? she's so calm and ready!" i wanted to seem like i was ready to be a mom. i wanted to be an easygoing patient. i wanted to be a kind and thoughtful wife. the second emotion raging beneath this calm exterior was a rising panic. i was not ready to be a mom. i was not ready to go through labor. i was not ready to walk into the hospital as two and leave as three... forever.

i was so tense during labor that i didn't progress until i forcibly relaxed curtesy of an epidural. i dealt with that anxiety by checking out emotionally, and the memories of the days that followed aren't filled with great memories, just memories of going through the motions.

i want something different for this baby. i want to rewrite the story.

i've been reading about different methods of deep relaxation during birth and have been particularly intrigued by the idea of hypnobirthing. two years ago i would have looked at hypnobirthing and given you a giiiiaaant eye-roll, but older wiser me knows that to stay relaxed during labor i need something more concrete and deeper than our ipod playlist and some breathing patterns that i never practiced.

a couple of times a week i steal away to our bedroom and put on my birth relaxation cd, and i have to tell you that i love it! after being so so sick with this pregnancy, i think it's helping me to let go and enjoy this little one and get excited for the days to come. relaxing and intentionally spending time thinking about how this baby is being formed reminds me to give glory to God and say YOU are forming all the delicate, inner parts of this child and thank you for choosing to knit this child together in my womb. this child is fearfully and wonderfully made. this is know full well. 

as much as i can, i want to prepare for this baby by being at peace, ready to welcome it to a home filled with incredible love.

let's go to the zoo

i am sometimes (often) at a loss for what to do with cruz between naptime and dinnertime. if we've spent the morning coloring, playing cars, going for a walk, errands, singing songs, i am tapped out by the time 4pm rolls around. i mean, anyone else? am i speaking anyone's language right now?

this summer i finally bit the bullet and bought us a zoo membership, and it's a total afternoon lifesaver. our local zoo is rather small, but it's a toddler paradise. because we have a membership, i don't mind if we only go for a hour (or less!). we can run around, play on the awesome playground, check out a couple of animals, and by the time we get home it's dinnertime.

genius.

when we arrived the other day it was cold and already growing dark. i swear we were the only people there! cruz ran up the hill and after a quick visit to the playground, started running in his favorite direction yelling, "lions! lions! lions!"

have mercy i love this kid. he has this boundless enthusiasm, this curiosity that drives him forward, and a passion for all his little loves (lions, trucks, trader joe's cereal bars) that just inspire me. i can't get enough of him. is this the cheesiest paragraph i've ever written? yes. but it's just all true. two year olds are my favorite.

when we visit the zoo at dusk, the lions are usually feeling frisky. on this particular afternoon chadwick and gingerbread were jumping up on the rocks, pacing around, and roaring. so. good.

we walk along the paths and cruz knows that he's allowed to pick up "one rock" or "one stick." obviously we brought our own cars along.

he watches the penguins. i watch the sunset.

God, thank you for making cool animals and sunsets and little boys.