the in between

maundy thursday, good friday, easter sunday. we're stuck on saturday, this in between place despair and hope. does this lonely saturday even have a name?

we are walking into trader joe's and there's a man sitting on the sidewalk with a sign asking for help, his free hand scratching the sweet scruffy dog beside him. cruz strains toward them, leaning out of his stroller. "puppy! puppy!" he calls out. "hat!" the man wears a hat and gives us a half-smile.

i half-smile back, filled with shame because cruz sees a friend where i see someone to avoid. 

we go into the store, we shop and i can't get the man and his dog out of my mind. 

among our easter treats, we pick up puppy snacks and a gift card. 

we chat with the man afterwards, gave him our small gift, pet the dog, and cruz was overjoyed. 

and i get it. 

i know that this does nothing, really, in the long run. 

i know that one gift card does not change a life.

it is such a small gesture and the world is so big.

i realize that there are a hundred what ifs.

what if he isn't really poor.

what if he uses the money unwisely.

what if he's dangerous.

and yet i started crying as we walked away.

if there is ever a time when cruz feels unsure enough of our love that he doesn't come home, if there is ever a time that he doubts us and does not run to us for help, Lord, let there be someone out there who sees him as a Your child. let there be a stand-in mom. flood his life with overemotional mothers who just can't walk by somone else's son without giving him some extra love. if there is ever a time when life has seemed to pass him by, Lord, please please chase him down and remind him that Life is from You. 


is this how You felt on that first lonely Saturday, that day between despair and hope? did you feel that Your People were so unsure of Your Love that they ran from You in their shame? did You know that we needed a stand-in? thank You for chasing us down. 

some things

+ things i like: when my best friend comes to visit

+ things i really like: when my son thinks that my best friend is his best friend

+ things i've seen four times in the theater: titanic

+ things that make me feel old: walking out of titanic the other night, the teenager behind us says, "i didn't expect him to die like that." 

+ things that make me relieved: our citrus trees have been abandoned for the last 18 months (hmm... i wonder what we were up to?), but they've forgiven us and are back with a vengeance!

+ things we're going to do today: dye easter eggs! clean the house! pick up a ham!

+ things i steal from cruz: burt's bees lotion
+ things cruz steals from me: my stretchy headbands. he calls them his "rope" and walks around shaking one in each hand. weirdo.

+ things i need: book recommendations!
xoxo. 

this is what we did on sunday

some days are just ripe with blessings. 

+++

most sundays at church include a time of sharing, and i tell you, there is nothing more precious to me than the people of God standing up and declaring out loud what the Lord has done for them. sometimes it's a verse, sometimes a prayer request, sometimes a praise for an answer. birth, death, depression, reunion. inevitably, a tiny elderly woman will stand and share that after a long life, she knows it's just best to trust Jesus. i am telling you, it is the best part of sunday morning. 

+++

i have sung "blessed be the name" about thirty thousand times. "You give and take away" can be overused to the point of being contrite or cruel, especially when sung to such a catchy tune. but we sang it on sunday, just like we sang it at my friend katie's memorial service last summer. that song is so much bigger now. it brings me to my knees.  Lord, help me believe these words that i sing. katie is with You; she is dancing and running and living how you intended her to live without disease. it doesn't take away the grief of losing her. so far from it. that pain reminds us that we are meant for more.

+++

after church and after costco and after naps, i taped construction paper to the back doors and cruz colored. i watched as he picked one crayon over the other, every once in awhile turning to me to hand one off or to ask its name. we work on his colors in portuguese. "laranga. azul." portuguese must tickle his tongue, because he repeats it back, giggling. "azul, azul." i practically grip the floor to stay on balance because as we sit here coloring and learning and laughing, i remember that i'm his mom. my dream of dreams come true and i sit here and have this extraordinary ordinary moment.

+++
even the parents of a dream-come-true-child need a date night. scene is from los arroyos, we've been discussing our upcoming trip to london:
me: next year, let's just take a staycation.
tovi: oh, here in santa barbara? just stay in a hotel?
me: no, here. los arroyos. i want to have a staycation here.