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when it comes to welcoming a new baby into our home, i'm not too worried about it. we have an infant car seat (it's totally a boy color, but whatever), someone will set up the pack-n-play, and if need be, we can pick up a pack of newborn-sized diapers on the drive home from the hospital. she will be fine.
but when it comes to welcoming a new baby into our family, i have two major worries.
ok, three major worries, but one has to do with nursing and simultaneously participating in the sun-up-to-sun-down basketball practice schedule cruz has been insisting on lately. i'm sure we'll work that one out.
no, these two fears are major mama-heart fears, and i know in my head that it will all be fine, so i'm letting you in on them now so that in four months you can say, "i told you so. see, it all worked out."
fear number one: i love cruz with my whole heart. these last two years have been infinitely precious to me. no one on the planet or in the history of humankind knows him better than i do. i mean, that is amazing, isn't it? it is an awesome and overpowering feeling. he is everything to me. that i love him isn't even something i can conceive of or quantitate because he is just part of me. my whole heart for my whole life. etc. how can i possibly bring in another child to this family and ever love them as much as i love cruz?
fear number two: i am crazy about my little girl. when she starts bouncing around in my tummy, it's like the world shifts and i must pay attention. i can't wait to hold her in the new morning light of the hospital and tell her, "you. you. we prayed for you to come and join our family. God turned our mourning into laughter with you." i can't wait to hold her and do tummy time and sweet newborn baths and snuggles... and what if in all that love, i start to love her too much and leave cruz behind?
i know God works a miracle in our mama hearts. i've already had it happen once. but sometimes i can't believe that i get to have this much love in my life.
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ReplyDeleteIt's such a weird concept, the idea that we can love our children equally, and that each time we get pregnant, we just develop MORE love. We don't have to share the love we have for our first with our second; our hearts just find more of it to give. When I think about that in terms of how much God loves each and every one of us, it completely overwhelms me.
ReplyDeleteI love that! It's so true-- since becoming a parent I feel like I have a better {glimpse} of how God loves us.
DeleteThere is a beautiful children's book by Barbara M. Joose called "I love you the purplest". The two children ask her who she loves the most. She tells one,"I love you the bluest!". She tells the other child "I love you the reddest!" Each child feels precious and uniquely loved. There is more than enough room in your heart for each child! Don't worry! Aunt Carol shared this book with me. Sometimes you feel like your heart is about to burst because it's so full! There are no favorites with God. He loves us all infinitely. Love and prayers, Aunt Beth
ReplyDeleteI will definitely check that out. Thanks!
DeleteIt's hard to find educated people on this subject, but you seem like you know what you'rе tаlking about!
ReplyDeleteΤhanκѕ
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As a mother of five (three here with me, two in heaven), I can promise you without reservation, you have absolutely nothing to fear. :)
ReplyDeleteLove for our children can never be divided, only multiplied. Enjoy this magical time. I would go back and do it all again in a heartbeat (and especially if there was a way to eliminate the sleepless nights).
That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing!
DeleteHaving just gone through the transition from three in our family to four, I can assure you that you WILL love Cruz even more, and yet also love baby even more. It's just one of those magical things. Want to feel great about him becoming a big brother? (and probably cry?) listen to "Family Tree" by Francis England.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the encouragement :)
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