dear mom on your iphone

"dear mom on your iphone..."

i can't tell you how many preachy blog posts i've seen floating around the internet that start this way. and do you know what? each one makes me so. mad. but i'm trying to do this thing where i don't just get mad and rant about something (even if that rant just stays in my head), but i really wanted to figure out why this made me so mad (and not just defensive) and then speak life into it.

so...

here we go.

these "mom on your iphone" posts give us the impression that we're squandering away our children's precious moments. that our faces are glued to a tiny screen while the kids are delighting in nature, making magical memories, or are generally deprived of our attention. sure, that might be true -- i know i can use the reminder--, but i don't think it's a message that moms alone need to hear. i think all of us can stand to be a little more unplugged. my friend sarah and i recently made a pact to take some of our social networking apps off our phones (me: facebook and twitter), and honestly it's been awesome! my phone feels way less important than it once did (reality check: it's only been like five days, so ask me again in three weeks), and i've gone whole days without checking facebook. it feels like freedom, like i'm back in 2002. like the writers of these posts, i totally get annoyed when i'm with a friend who is constantly checking her phone; it makes me feel unimportant and that our coffee date/shopping trip/conversation after church is a waste of all our time. i know i've been guilty of this too, and i don't want my friends (or my son) to feel this way. so let's unplug a little.

but here's the thing-- sarah is one of my best friends, and when we challenge each other like this, it's in the context of years and years of friendship and honesty. it's not a blanket statement made by someone who knows nothing about my life or your life. it might be time to unplug yourself from your phone or to challenge a friend to do the same, but let's say those things in love and friendship to each other and in the context of our own situations, not the world at large.

next problem: we're seemingly missing our children's childhoods while on our phones at the park. oh, if only more sociologists were mommy bloggers! this upperclass american view of childhood as a precious, precious commodity that must not be missed even for a moment is a relatively new and localized concept. do you think ma ingalls worried about delighting in mary, laura, and baby carrie's every twirl and spin? no! she was churning butter and stuffing her own straw mattresses. the girls were playing with corncobs wrapped in flannel and happy to be doing it. and she was a good mom! we need to relieve ourselves of the pressure that every moment of our children's lives must be perfectly choreographed and attended to. do you know what happens to kids whose every move is paid attention to and greeted with delight? they turn out to be insufferable adults. let's not do that to our kids. i firmly believe that it is so healthy for our children to develop a sense of independence and the ability to entertain themselves (as developmentally appropriate, etc). cruz is regularly sent outside in our backyard to play alone (i'm watching from the kitchen window! don't worry!). he loves it! he's happy, content, safe, and as he gets older, he's going to be able to cope with independence.

do you know what else is healthy? giving yourself a moment. while your kid is happily playing in the sandbox, take a minute. decompress. for the sake of your family and your own sanity, sit still and catch up with a friend (in person or on the phone). motherhood can be exceedingly lonely. we have no coworkers to chat with or commiserate with during the day and i think that facebook has become the stay-at-home mom's water cooler. use it. would you like to check the headlines on your npr app? girlfriend, you go right ahead. feel like an adult for a minute.

and i think that brings me to the crux of why this mom-on-mom judgement bugs me so much. it's not that those blog posts themselves are wrong, but the comments i see afterwards do nothing to make the world a better place. for every blog post calling out the mom on her phone at the park, there are a hundred comments that start with, "it makes me so mad when i see a mom..." or "you wouldn't believe what i saw one mom do..." so here's our opportunity to speak life instead of judgement. when i see a mom doing whatever i don't agree with (unless it's unsafe, abusive, etc), i need to remember that i am only seeing a snapshot of her life. a fleeting moment. who am i to judge that? and who are you? we all do weird stuff that someone else wouldn't agree with. being a mom is hard and complex and crazy enough without adding an additional layer of judgement from each other. let's be kind and gentle. let's reach out. let's speak life.