Guest Post: Confessions of a ...

When I started posting my confessions, it was one of the most cathartic experiences of my life.

Here I am, World.

Raw. Vulnerable. Unvarnished. 

It's terrifying and terribly freeing at the same time.

Today our guest blogger confesses what it's like to be single. 

It is raw, unvulnerble, unvarnished.

Dear Ones, let's share some love with her. 

Do you have something to confess?

email it to reliasen{at}gmail.com

Dear God,

I am really angry at you. And sad. Do you want to know why? Probably not, because you don’t

seem to care about what I’m going through, but I’m going to tell you anyway. I have been asking

you for something for 15 years, but I’m done now, because you haven’t delivered. I change my

mind all the time about everything: college, grad school, career paths, places to live...but there

has been one thing that I’ve wanted my whole life: a man to love me. But none does, and never

has. There have been guys who wanted me for my body and nothing more, guys who wanted

to be my friend but didn’t want to love me, and guys with so much emotional baggage that they

don’t know how to love anyone.

So I’ve had to watch all my friends get the things they want and deserve: boyfriends, fiances,

husbands, honeymoons, and houses to share. These women all get to know what it feels like

to be loved and cherished, while I am rejected and alone. Always. Every time. And I don’t

understand why. I’m just as deserving as they are; no better, but no worse, either. You trying

to teach me a lesson? Because I get it. “You have to be happy and complete with yourself blah

blah blah.” You know what? I know I’m worth it. I’m smart, attractive, fun, and I have a lot of love

to give. Sure, I can SURVIVE my life if no one ever loves me. But who wants a life like that?

is that really all I can hope for? Don’t I deserve more than just survival? I want to share my life

with someone, to have a partner, a teammate, a lover. To have someone to laugh with, eat with,

and build a home with. Is that so much to ask? Seems pretty simple to me, but apparently it’s

too much for you to lift a finger and help me. Year after year, first date after first date, I think to

myself, “maybe this is it. Maybe I’ll meet him soon.” But you know what? Hoping has only led to

pain and disappointment. So has praying. I have journals full of unanswered prayers, enough to

fill a library. So why bother?

And to add insult to injury, my perpetual, unending singleness puts a wall between me and my

friends who are loved. Because they’ve entered a world I couldn’t hope to understand. Because

I’m jealous of them. Because I feel left out when everyone around me is married, engaged,

or dating. Because couples get to plan couple-y things together: vacations, dinner parties,

camping trips, and double dates, whereas I have to go everywhere alone and pretend that I’m

oh-so-secure and confident. Because I hate being the only single one, whether the husbands

and boyfriends are around or not. Because they have someone to greet them at the end of the

day; they are someone else’s priority. Because I never get to feel special. And because it’s

embarrassing to be single at this age, like getting picked last for kickball, but about 100 times

worse. My friends have someone to tell them they look beautiful, and someone who wants to

spend a life with them. I have never had any of this, and my life is smaller for it. Oh yeah, and

going to church alone really sucks too.

People say that they experience You through the love of others. Well, if that’s true, then why

don’t you want me to experience that love? Sure, I have family and friends who care for me

I guess, but it’s not enough. You say you can do anything? Well, you could fix this now by

bringing me a caring, honest man who wants to love for me--truly--forever. Don’t I deserve to

be swept off my feet? I’m never going to be fully content without him, so if that’s what you’re

waiting for, you might as well give up. I didn’t realize perfection was a prerequisite for love and

marriage. What’s more, no one else has to wait “to feel complete in themselves” or any of that

other b.s. before they are given someone who loves them. Maybe he’s not ready, you say?

Fine: either make him ready or find someone who is. It’s been 28 years, that’s long enough.

The Bible says men and women are made for each other, so why are you letting me live an

incomplete life, day after day, and year after year? With every month that passes I have less

and less of my life to share with someone, less time to feel the joy of communion with another.

I’m not getting any younger, either.

So guess what? Pretty soon, I’m going to start doing things my way. Those “Christian” guys you

want me to date? They treat me like a leper, and most of them have no idea how to engage a

real live woman. It took that one guy nearly 5 and a half months to work up the courage to hold

my hand. That’s just sad. But those “non-Christian” guys? They make me feel feminine, they

aren’t threatened by success or assertive personalities, and they actually, you know, like to date

women. So what are my choices here?

I’m waiting, God. Not only for someone to care about me, but for you to prove you’re not a

vindictive jerk who takes pleasure in seeing me disappointed, hurt, and rejected over and over

and over again.

Sincerely,

Heartbroken