the big loss of something small

i wasn't sure that i would ever write or publish this post, but to tell the story of our pregnancy and our baby and of God moving in our family's life, i also need to tell the story of the pregnancy that came before this one. 

i hope it will be good news to you.

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it was our first day of mops and my first day as the coordinator for our mops group. tovi and i had landed from london about 12 hours before our meeting and i was buzzing with jet lag and excitement and the secret knowledge that someone was starting to grow in my tummy. 

i stood in front of seventy precious women, took a deep breath, and started to introduce myself. 

on that first morning i wanted to talk about the things we carry with us. i pulled up my diaper bag, emptied out it out, talking about all the things we have to carry with us as moms. 

crushers, sippies, diapers, balls, books, change of pants, trucks...

it gets heavy!

what's heavier still, of course, are those things we carry that no one can see. 

i talked about the times in the last year when i had needed friends and family to help me carry the load.

inviting other people into my pain or stress meant letting go of my pride, of my desire to appear as though i have it all together. it's certainly not my natural inclination, but every time i ask for help, i am doubly blessed. 

i talked about the time my niece came to visit for the week and my friends rallied around us with playdates, encouragement, and bottles of wine as i managed two toddlers with two fevers. as hard as it was to swallow my pride and admit that i needed help, i made incredible memories with friends that week and am so glad i enlisted them. 

in my notes, i was planning to stop there, but i could feel God pushing me forward, prompting me to share that which was still raw and healing in my heart.

i took that deep breath, blinked back tears, and tried to still the tremble in my voice.

"it was those same friends," i said, "that came around us when we had a miscarriage a few weeks ago."

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miscarriages happen to one pregnancy in four, or so they will tell you. and when it happens to you, it will be incredibly lonely, even in the midst of such a large sisterhood. 

my memories from those first few days are just isolated images.

tovi rubbing my back while i cried into our pillows.

taking pregnancy test after test, willing each one to turn positive again. 

remembering my mom's advice during hard times to grieve it all out. and then sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing until i couldn't cry any longer.

pushing my chair back from breakfast and telling tovi that i couldn't be up any more and that i was going back to bed for the rest of the day. 

shoving the big brother shirt we had bought for cruz into the back of his drawers. 

imagining over and over that i had let a bright pearl slip silently through my fingers and i would never find it again. 

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a few days passed and it was sunday and i needed to go to church. i was alone and i loved sitting in the dark, taking strength from the congregation around me. 

i stood in the communion line, took the bread and wine, His body broken for mine, walked back to my seat, and wrapped my arms around my empty belly. i felt damaged, broken. i felt robbed. bitter, i felt like the pregnancy had been a waste of time. 

the music swelled and the congregation sang:

hallelujah. all i have is Christ.

hallelujah. Jesus is my life.

the tears started flowing hot and fast. my shoulders shook with sobs.

is this true for me? here in this moment, when my body hurts, and i am bleeding and mourning the loss of something so hoped for, can i say that all i have is Christ? can i say hallelujah to that? am i brave enough to ask that God make this true in my life? can there be beauty from the ashes of this moment?

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it is amazing to sit here, feeling the small kicks of this babe in my belly as i type. this baby is a barely-dared-for balm for our souls. it is the reminder that i am not foolish or damaged; that God is writing my story and His plans and timing are perfect. He has pulled me so close during these months, and i have felt His Spirit powerfully next to me. the miscarriage was hard and painful, but it's another chapter in my story, and one that i trust God will use. i am so grateful for those days and weeks of pregnancy with that child, and am thankful for this new sweet life growing inside of me.
 hallelujah! all i have is Christ!