So...hypnobirthing... ?

this was my third christmas as a mom, and each of those three years i find myself reflecting more and more on mary's part of the story. there are ways that i identify with her, ways that i hope to identify with her someday, and even ways that i hope not to-- giving birth in a barn being one of the main ways.

first off, girlfriend is nine months pregnant and forced to travel about eighty miles on the back of the donkey. {ladies, let's all remember this is as great way to induce labor, should the situation arise.} in all of the storybook pictures, she's so unbelievably calm. i mean, i get that these are mainly children's storybooks, but still. tons of cows and rams leaning down to check out the baby? no big deal. oh, smelly, strange shepherds want to visit? come right on in. mary, i sure hope it was like that for you. that you felt peace and serenity, and the Jesus got a good latch right away.

however, that is not how i remember giving birth.

when i think back over cruz's labor and delivery, i remember two distinct emotions: the first was the desire to appear completely in control and relaxed. as if the nurses would chat about me back at their station. "did you see the woman in room 504? she's so calm and ready!" i wanted to seem like i was ready to be a mom. i wanted to be an easygoing patient. i wanted to be a kind and thoughtful wife. the second emotion raging beneath this calm exterior was a rising panic. i was not ready to be a mom. i was not ready to go through labor. i was not ready to walk into the hospital as two and leave as three... forever.

i was so tense during labor that i didn't progress until i forcibly relaxed curtesy of an epidural. i dealt with that anxiety by checking out emotionally, and the memories of the days that followed aren't filled with great memories, just memories of going through the motions.

i want something different for this baby. i want to rewrite the story.

i've been reading about different methods of deep relaxation during birth and have been particularly intrigued by the idea of hypnobirthing. two years ago i would have looked at hypnobirthing and given you a giiiiaaant eye-roll, but older wiser me knows that to stay relaxed during labor i need something more concrete and deeper than our ipod playlist and some breathing patterns that i never practiced.

a couple of times a week i steal away to our bedroom and put on my birth relaxation cd, and i have to tell you that i love it! after being so so sick with this pregnancy, i think it's helping me to let go and enjoy this little one and get excited for the days to come. relaxing and intentionally spending time thinking about how this baby is being formed reminds me to give glory to God and say YOU are forming all the delicate, inner parts of this child and thank you for choosing to knit this child together in my womb. this child is fearfully and wonderfully made. this is know full well. 

as much as i can, i want to prepare for this baby by being at peace, ready to welcome it to a home filled with incredible love.

let's go to the zoo

i am sometimes (often) at a loss for what to do with cruz between naptime and dinnertime. if we've spent the morning coloring, playing cars, going for a walk, errands, singing songs, i am tapped out by the time 4pm rolls around. i mean, anyone else? am i speaking anyone's language right now?

this summer i finally bit the bullet and bought us a zoo membership, and it's a total afternoon lifesaver. our local zoo is rather small, but it's a toddler paradise. because we have a membership, i don't mind if we only go for a hour (or less!). we can run around, play on the awesome playground, check out a couple of animals, and by the time we get home it's dinnertime.

genius.

when we arrived the other day it was cold and already growing dark. i swear we were the only people there! cruz ran up the hill and after a quick visit to the playground, started running in his favorite direction yelling, "lions! lions! lions!"

have mercy i love this kid. he has this boundless enthusiasm, this curiosity that drives him forward, and a passion for all his little loves (lions, trucks, trader joe's cereal bars) that just inspire me. i can't get enough of him. is this the cheesiest paragraph i've ever written? yes. but it's just all true. two year olds are my favorite.

when we visit the zoo at dusk, the lions are usually feeling frisky. on this particular afternoon chadwick and gingerbread were jumping up on the rocks, pacing around, and roaring. so. good.

we walk along the paths and cruz knows that he's allowed to pick up "one rock" or "one stick." obviously we brought our own cars along.

he watches the penguins. i watch the sunset.

God, thank you for making cool animals and sunsets and little boys.

new resolutions

when i came from london back in september, i was full of resolutions and new changes i wanted to make in my life. but then we were pregnant and hyperemesis had set in with a freaking vengeance, and soon i basically got out of bed once every two weeks. so there went my resolutions about walking more and visiting museums. remember my less-yoga-pants-more-real-outfits pledge? ha. HA. every few days, tovi would gently prod me out of bed, into the shower, and then i'd exchange one pair of sweats for another. 

i was laid low, friends. laid. low. 

it has been a seasoning of scaling back, of simplifying, and it certainly hasn't all been a negative. here are my new {improved} resolutions:

1. wear real outfits occasionally. as the next five and a half month go along, my yoga pants will feel more and more comfortable, but i need to somedays resist the urge and actually get dressed. but there's  going to be a lot of grace in this area. 

2. don't keep secrets. my pregnancy was like the world's worst kept secret. my friend sarah and i went out for drinks one night. she ordered a glass of wine and i ordered a hot chocolate. i didn't have the energy to make up an excuse, so when my mug was set in front of me, i looked at her and admitted, "well, i'm pregnant." one day as tovi valiantly managed everything in our family, he finally said to me, "we need to tell people so that we can get some help." he was so right and i'm so glad we did. our friends were more than generous with the meals they brought and the times they took cruz off our hands. 

3. get writing. i have missed writing and blogging like crazy. trying to make this more of a priority.

4. relax. poor cruz barely ever went to the park or had a playdate during my first trimester and he's fine. i haven't cracked open my copy of what to expect and the baby is going to be fine. cruz has now watched an unbelievable amount of television and he's fine. we've only eaten food that comes in packages and it's not how i want to cook, but we're fine. fine. 

get dressed occasionally. ask for help. do the things you're passionate about. relax your expectations. is that good news to anyone else?

10 on 10

i decided to try the ten on ten challenge yesterday where you take ten pictures on the tenth day of the month, and live to tell the tale. ok, just kidding. it helps you discover the beauty in the everyday and answers the age-old question, "what do i do all day?"

+++++++++++

6:35am. my sweet husband gets up far before the break of day. sometimes i go back to sleep, but sometimes i roll over and catch up on twitter   do my devotions. 

7:07am. it's time to get cruz out of bed because he has daycare at 8. usually he's up and playing in his bed by now, but this morning i walk into to find this:

7:20am. don't judge us. we're eating waffles and peanut butter pretzels for breakfast. i may be feeling better but i'm still pregnant. there is no real cooking happening around here.

8:42am. i love mondays. cruz is at daycare for the morning and i have the house to myself. being alone at home is a special kind of awesome. i am incredibly productive on mondays. work is getting done. laundry is started between phone calls. the house is spic and span. there's nothing like it. 

12:25pm. you know it was a good day at school if you have to strip down the moment you walk in the door.

1:30pm. cruz goes down for a "nap" (he sings in his bed for an hour and a half until i march in, change his diaper, make him cry because i put him back in bed, and then eventually cries himself to sleep). as my wise friend anna says, "singing is not restful for mama. only sleeping is restful." i finish up some work and eat one hundred of these:

ok! you're right! this is only seven pictures! i forgot to take them for the rest of the day. you missed out on pictures of our dinner (orange chicken-- pregnant, remember?), of a man sitting alone at starbucks knitting (bold move, sir), christmas joy overload at pier one, and a MOPS planning sesh with my friend krista (our holiday party is going to be uh-mazing!!). maybe next time. 

hope your day was filled with everyday beauty. 

what {we} wore on wednesday

it is sooooo time for a wednesday post, don't you think?

(this is a really good one)

my cruz-man has been recovering from a cold, so i was excited to wake up to a sunny baby this morning.

cruz was very impressed with the syncronicity of wearing fire truck jams while holding his fire truck and reading about fire trucks. 

we aim to please around here.

it was sunny and warm today for the first time in what feels like forever but in reality has been about five days. time to take advantage of the sun!

love that this guy helps with yard work!

well... i told you this was going to be a good post...

cruz, are you ready?

show em' what you got!

BIG BROTHER!!!!!

aaaannnndd that's why it's been quiet around these parts. without going into too many details in this post, between you and me, i've had a touch of the kate middletons if you get what i'm saying. 

i'm happy to be back and thrilled for this precious little one that will be joining us in early june. 

so what's your average mama wearing in her second trimester these days?

stripes, of course!

and my sweet new necklace from lady lee & drew jones that i won from my friend laura over at lb's goodspoon. love. it. the necklace is baby friendly (non-tox, durable, etc), and i can attest to that because thirty seconds after i opened the package, cruz had stolen it and let his lion wear it. hm. 

this one's for all you bump-watchers.

and for all you christmas lovers.

happy wednesday!