mommy guilt, stomping, and the things we do for love

i've been working a lot lately. like, ten hour days, which needless to say, i am no longer used to. i work park time, mostly from home, but ten hour days should be no one's definition of part time. i know, i know: "a mom's day is never done" etc, but adding ten hours of work work on top of that has proved to be somewhat tiring. in order to get everything done (and it's just a season- this will pass), i have been jumping at every chance to have someone else watch cruz. he's loving it, of course, because he loves having buddies to play with and new people around, but i am feeling the weight of the mommy guilt.

ugh. i never, ever thought i would say those words. "mommy guilt." first off, i usually hate anything called "mommy" that isn't being uttered by my own darling child. mommy wars, mommy blog... all these terms come off as faintly insulting, am i right? but i also have worked hard to take ownership of my choices and not succumb to this arbitrary burden of guilt. if i'm working, i'm working. if i'm home, i'm home. i love sending cruz to daycare because he loves it and i've seen him grow by leaps and bounds since we started. i believe that it takes a village, etc. i love that cruz sees tovi as an equal caregiver. and yet... mommy guilt.

the compromise that i've made with myself is that when cruz and i are together this week, we just do whatever he wants to do. i follow his lead and he LOVES it. and that is why we've ended by in our cul de sac every evening stomping on drains.

cruz has recently rekindled his love for stomping on drains and lucky for him, there are many, many drains right in our own cul de sac. he starts the process by standing by our front door and (as he does when he reallllly wants something), pointing at it silently, hoping i'll get the hint. (tovi has pointed out that this is not unlike someone else in the house) "do you want to go step on the drains?" i asked, sounding kind of bored. "drains! yes!" his whole face lights up and his little feet are moving in place, a mile a minute.

so we run on the drains. we stomp on the drains. we tip-toe on them. but cruz's favorite favorite is when i call out which drains he's stepping on. there i am, standing in my cul de sac as the good people of my neighborhood come home from work, calling out, "water! water! sewer!"

oh, mommy guilt. what will you have me doing next?

hello, third trimester

somehow, inexplicably, i have reached my third trimester of this pregnancy. the last ten or so weeks have been so absolutely joyful and delightful, they almost make me want to do this again. i'm not going to say this out loud to my husband because he would just laugh and laugh before reminding me that i barely ever got out of bed between mid-October and mid-November and that i also spent christmas day laying on the floor of my in-laws bathroom and that seventeen weeks is a very, very long time to feel as if you have mono-food poisoning-a hangover-the flu. like labor, you forget the wretchedness of hyperemesis gravidarum once it has passed.

but the last weeks? these last ten weeks have been a baby-cooking dream!

here a few practical things that have made my second trimester awesome:

+ the body pillow. i busted that out a few weeks ago, and even though tovi tries to share it at night, and even though it takes up SO MUCH room in our bed, nothing compares to the comfort it provides.

+ the foam roller. i get occasional bad spells of sciatic nerve pain. tovi makes sure that some foam roller time (even if i hate it, i know it's good for me), and that has helped a lot. (ok-- i should be honest. i have only done this like twice because i hate it-- it's really painful. BUT it's been helpful each time and i should be grateful to my husband for encouraging me to use the foam roller)

+ this is my favorite stretch mark prevention oil, recommended by my friend tara who is my go-to gal about these kinds of things. it's spendy, but one bottle has lasted me through two pregnancies.

+ i am reading '7' with a group of girlfriends (which i highly recommend that you do). the basic premise is to examine seven areas of excess (food, clothing, possessions, media, spending, waste, stress) in our lives, strip them away, and let God fill that space in. we "fast" from each of these areas for a week. one of these areas was clothing, so for seven days, i only wore seven items of clothing. these pants from old navy and this shirt from the gap have been my favorite maternity items lately, so wearing them over and over and over wasn't so bad. that said, maternity dressing has been so much easier this time around because i have shamelessly begged my friends to let me raid their closets. thank you, friends! there is no need to go out and buy a lot of new clothes, and i will joyfully return the favor or pay it forward.

+ in general i try to limit my use of home and skin care products that have a lot of chemicals. my skin has been kind of bonkers during this pregnancy, but this line from sw basics has been a good fit.

i'll probably rue publishing this post, being all braggy about how good i'm feeling, but i know these days are numbered regardless. by next week i'm sure i'll be eating cheese and crackers at 2am and sleeping in our rocker. hello, last trimester!

baby in my tummy

i'm wiping out the inside of the refrigerator while cruz supervises from his high chair. "mommy's cleaning," he tells me. "mommy uses a cloth." i note the surprise in his voice. his usual narrations of my day typically sound more like, "mommy's drinking juice" or "mommy's changing cruz's diaper" or "mommy missed the ball." thanks on that last one, by the way. anyhow, "mommy's cleaning," is not uttered quite so often.

"when i have a baby in my tummy i want to clean all the time," i tell him. "when you were in my tummy, i liked to clean a lot too."

i have been telling him this often. your sister is in my tummy now, and you used to be in my tummy too. i can barely wrap my mind around the baby-in-my-tummy concept, but cruz has accepted it without any questions. of course, he's pretty young. he doesn't see a difference between the lions in his bed and those at the zoo, and he is just ever so sweetly catching on to the idea of "'tending," but abstract thought is not in your average two-year old's wheelhouse. he pats my belly, gives it the occasional kiss. "where's your baby sister?" i ask, and he points at my tummy (or my shoulder. his aim is not always spot on). he's not asking the why questions yet, so this strange idea -- baby in mommy's tummy -- is just another part of life.

for me, sometimes it takes a double look in the mirror or the sight of my belly rolling like waves to remind me that there is a miracle happening in the dark. and growing a baby is such a miracle and maybe that's why it happens in secret. i don't know why we lost our small soul last summer or why my friend lost the twin to her son or why couples we know have tried and tried and tried for a baby. i don't know why some babies are born healthy and others are not. for all the science and ultrasounds and prenatal vitamins and refraining from sushi, baby-growing all boils down to a great act of faith. it is stepping forward with your heart in your hands, ready to be broken and rebuilt for someone you have never met. there is simply a baby in my tummy.

what {we} wore on wednesday

tovi and i are both self-employed, so our natural family rhythms look a little different than most families. some days tovi is gone long before the sun is up, but some days we are able to get up at the same time and spend a little of the morning together. those are the mornings when we go wake  cruz up and hang out in his room for awhile. 

cruz's morning routine goes like this: wake up, crawl out from underneath the blanket, throw all animals out of the crib, sing "twinkle twinkle little star" until mommy comes in.

sometimes i'll hear him giving directions, willing us to come in. 

"mommy opens the door? get out the crib?"

have mercy, how could you not love saying good morning to this ray of sunshine?

 every once in awhile, cruz gets a little idea in his brain and nothing can talk him about of it. so even though it was 7:30am and even though it was raining, all he could think about doing was stepping on all the drains in our cul de sac.

two is kind of a weirdo age.

i put him in clothes that could get wet and dirty and i somewhat grudgingly took him outside. 

"these are good drains!" he yelled, stepping on each one. we did this for about thirty minutes. 

+++

dress that bump!

+ maternity dressing has gotten a lot easier lately because a couple of good friends just had their babies and passed along their maternity clothes to me. those red pants are like the sisterhood of the traveling maternity pants because they look amazing on everyone, regardless of size.

{happy weekend!}

three things

today i'm linking up with some gals from the influence network!

so three things about me. if we were going to be bff, what would i want you to know about me? once i asked my college roommates what my next roommate should know about me. "you smile when you put on blush," they answered. and they're right-- it's how i find my cheekbones. that one's a freebee for you, but i guess it's important to know.

1. i am a total bookworm. i am always, always, always reading a book or dreaming about books. when borders was just a few blocks from our house, tovi and i would walk over, get some frozen yogurt, and then i would wander around borders, just running my fingers over all the book covers. i revisit my favorite books on a regular basis, yes, even mysteries. when i am reading, there is absolutely nothing else in the world that matters. can i tell you a secret? i hope that there's a book hiding somewhere in me, but right now it is deep in my heart and i'm just letting life happen until God calls it to the forefront.

today i'm reading: waiting for birdy, 7, and bread & wine.

2. ten years ago today tovi and i went on our first date! i think we both fell pretty hard for each other (and dang, we were young! just babies!). even though our personalities can be different, we have an amazing relationship, an awesome friendship, and wonderful marriage. baby, here's to ten more (and more and more!).

3. for the love of all that is holy, i cannot drink a green smoothie. but! i totally like the idea of greens and healthy choices in morning, so i often make a breakfast salad. basically the same thing, right? this morning i had a spinach salad with apple, avo, homemade turkey-spinach meatballs (yeah, i got fancy like that), and honey-dijon dressing. yum yum yum.

and what do i love about the influence network? so much!
i've been able to take online classes from annie downs and jessi connolly, and both were so encouraging for my blogging journey-- using this tiny space to speak life and give glory to God and just simply share my journey.