Back to Grace

I have about one million ideas for blog posts. I think of them constantly.

But right now I am too exhausted to even think about writing them.

I went back to work today.

Yes, I got to bring Cruz. No, that didn't necessarily make it better. 

Thank you, mom, for the reminder that I need to be patient with myself and to give myself grace when it doesn't go perfectly. 

Thank you, to all of you who committed to praying for us today. I am sitting here with tears on my cheeks, thinking about each one of you. For weeks I have thought about going back to work with the feeling of ice in my stomach. But today. Today I felt an unexplainable peace that allowed me to get through the day. 

Thank you, Jesus, that You provide. You have brought this most precious, amazing gift into our lives. Daily, I am overwhelmed by the fact that You have trusted us with this beautiful boy. He is fearfully and wonderfully made; I know this very well. I have seen Your hand in this situation. I know that I can trust You with our future. You know what lies before us and I trust that You have equipped me, Tovi and Cruz for exactly that. 

The Things We've Left Undone

Today is Abby's third birthday! This little ball of fluff is now a big(gish) golden retriever and really one of the greatest blessings in our lives. She's playful, joyful, gentle, and super cute! There were of course some growing pains when she first arrived at our house (I think we got up in the night with her longer than we did with Cruz!), but we couldn't imagine life without her. She truly is part of our family. So today seemed like the perfect day for this post... The Things We've Left Undone...


Yesterday at Trader Joe's, the checker asked me what Cruz and I had been up to. I get this question a lot (obviously-- this is a very normal question), but am often not sure of how to answer. So I told him, "well, we've sung some songs. Looked at pictures in a book. Changed diapers. Napped. And looked at ourselves in the mirror." I've even thought about blogging What We Do All Day as a running diary just so that I can see where all the time goes! 


Before Cruz was born, I would joke with my friend Colette that I envisioned my maternity leave as one long trip to Starbucks. I would read. Cruz would nap. And obviously we would both be wearing amazing outfits. There's been a lack of Starbucks, but everything else has kind of been true. These last two months have been blissful (new Mamas-in-Training hang in there! It gets waaaaay better after five weeks), but I am starting to realize that this has come at a price.


We have a beautiful backyard. I went out there the other day (probably for the first time in months), and realized that it is overgrown with weeds! Mom, I've got a project for you next time you come down to visit! Also, if anyone out there needs limes, oranges or lemons, please pick some.


I can barely hold a conversation. I'm assuming that I am not the first Mama to experience this, but I feel bad about it every time I get together with a girlfriend. Since Cruz was born, I have not been able to give anything else 100% of my attention. Hopefully he is cute enough to distract you all from the fact that my brain is only 90% engaged. 


The first five months of my pregnancy were Hell On Earth. It was like having a combination of food posioning, flu and mono that never ended. Ever. Not surprisingly, I stopped cooking. Then I started commuting to our summer center an hour away from home. I didn't cook. Then I was nine months pregnant and had Dominos on my top-visited websites. Then we had the baby. Then I was on my super intense diet. I miss cooking. 


And Abby. Sweet, sweet pup. Not in a bajillion years would I have guessed that you would be this neglected. It kills me that you don't get a walk everyday and that we don't play with you as much. I can't wait for you to be friends with Cruz and to have a playmate. 


After Christmas, we picked Abby up from the puppy country club. She's always tired and sleeps for a few days after coming home (the Dioji Hangover). But this time, I noticed that she didn't perk back up. I vowed to take her running more often, and we've done better with that. Then two nights ago, Tovi and I noticed strange bumps on her tummy. She had a great appetite and the bumps didn't seem to hurt her, but I still flipped out! Abby is soooooo much a part of our family, and I can't stand the thought of her being hurt or sick. Obviously, I stayed up until 1am googling "dog skin cancer" and scaring the crap out of myself. 

After a night of restless, worried sleep, we walked over to the vet. As it turns out, everything is fine. She picked up a bad case of buggies at Dioji, and she'll be completely okay. But it was definitely a scare I don't want to repeat. As I told Tovi tearfully, I just felt so guilty! What if something had been wrong this whole time and I was too wrapped up in the baby to notice?


So a good reminder to broaden my attention. And an even better reminder was this:

All you need to remember is that

God will never let you down;

He'll never let you be pushed past your limit;

He'll always be there to help you come through it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

What He Wore On Wednesday

Woo woo! It's Wednesday!

Someone was still a little sleepy... but don't you love those striped pants?!  I want like seven more pairs. For him. I guess.

Jeans and a cardigan. OMG.

This outfit is kind of boring from the front...

But has a monkey face on the back!

{NOTE: Now that Cruz can roll, tummy time is practically nonexistent! I tried to get a bum picture like five times before I could capture this one. He just flips over so fast!}

Sleepy time! Football jammies.

That's How We Roll

On Smiles

At this moment in time, I happen to know a lot of gals who also have baby boys. According to everything posted online, these baby boys are some of the most adorable and smiley children around! I find myself sitting around thinking, "how do they get their boys to smile this stinkin' much?" And then I feel like a horrible mama because Cruz is smiley but not that smiley.

And then, of course, I remember the truth. I am comparing their best with my worst. For all I know, you, dear reader, could be convinced that Cruz and I sit around (well, that part is true), smiling gorgeous smiles all day long. (*Not that these boys aren't super smiley! I know for a fact that they all have incredible Mamas. This is just my own small Mama journey.) But the point of this particular blog is to give you a glimpse of the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have nothing to convince you of. I am not trying to sell you on my skills as a Mama or the benefits of having a baby (unless you are my best friend, and then yes, yes I am trying to sell you on getting pregnant). So back to our smiley pictures...

Full disclosure! Cruz is a paci addict. The majority of his pictures should look like this

What the heck is he doing with his arm? He's been doing this all day long.  So hot for 2011.

It's also just hard to capture those gorgeous smiles! Cruz is fascinated by my iphone (he does not take after the Amish side of the fam), and he gets this dreamy, alert look whenever I try to take a picture of him. For every picture like this:

There are about ten like this:

Although, that is still awfully cute. 

While we're on the subject of full disclosure, remember the outfit I was so excited about the other day? Well, not only did it have spit-up straight down the back (before I put it on)... those are all pieces of clothing that I've acquired post-pregnancy. I am only 8 pounds heavier than I was during my first trimester (when I couldn't keep a meal down for months, so no weight gain there), but wow my clothes just don't fit the same way. Anyone in need of a JCrew/Ann Taylor Loft wardrobe make-over should feel free to stop by my closet and help herself. 

Full disclosure again! I feel like I dress like a total mom now (again, this will change on Jan 10 when We Head Back to Work). I own a pair of jeggings! Profound apologies for any snarky comments I may have made in the past regarding jeggings. They are brilliant and amazing. If only they came in Spit-Up Beige...